If you came across this blog, I’m sorry, it is not going to be another famous fashion or travel blog. This is going to be a blog about me and my journey through the hell of mental illness. Due to my desire of privacy, I will call myself Miss X when writing to you to suppress any kind of suspicions of who I might be. To get over the basics, I am an 18 year old aspiring doctor (if I get to live as long), sister of the most beautiful girl you could ever meet, not like me. My sister, she was born the prettier one, she has the most beautiful nose and eyes, clever, always cheerful and always managed to settle when regarding relationships, in other words, always had someone she could count on and love. Unlike me. I’ve never had a boyfriend, nor have I wanted one, sometimes I thought about having a girlfriend, but I’m still not sure myself what is it that I want.
But to start off with the main idea of this blog, I will focus on myself and my feelings, this is going to be my diary, a diary that the whole world can read and access. My mental illness has started back in 2013, when I moved homes and started a new, ‚better’ life. I never talked to anyone about how I felt because I was afraid to do so, no one in my family had any idea about what was going on in my head at the time, the only person that knew was my best friend who’s name I do not want to share neither, I guess I can call her B. The turning point in my story occurred during my trip to France earlier this year, in July. The week spent in France gave me enough time and peace to think by myself about what I want to do with my life and myself, that was the time when I decided it was time to get help and start living a normal life. I finally had the courage to tell my mother what is going on, I told her through the phone -expensive calling rates from France to England, imagine that! After I came back home, I was already scheduled a psychiatric appointment in three days time, I was scared, nervous and all the other emotions associated with new, unknown experiences.
My appointment lasted as long as three hours during which for the first time in my life I have told someone everything that has been going on in my head for the past two years, things that have bottled up and were bound to explode if I were to pretend everything is fine with me for any longer. I told the doctor everything except one thing, or should I say person, which pushed my illness over the edge and caused me to deteriorate mentally, let me tell you about that person later on, I shall call him M. Yet to sum up the appointment, I was diagnosed with severe depression, also known as major depressive disorder and anxiety. Soon you will find that this diagnosis has not been enough and having gone to another doctor after experiencing the hell of my head + antidepressants, I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I have been put on the magical Zoloft and experienced things I never though a human being could encounter. But about this, you should find out in later posts.
I haven’t and probably do not plan to read over my posts, I write, I check the spelling and off it goes, I expect no response on this lousy blog, yet even if I have one reader which I can in the smallest part make feel better, I shall consider myself successful. I do not know yet what the next post will be about, I will simply write about what I feel like a the time, there is so much I have to tell you, I will at least try to post the stories in chronological order.
That’s all for today.